Posts by Liz:
Sometimes it’s hard to keep up as an introvert in this overly connected world.
Between work, kids, family, friends, pets, errands, social media, etc., life has a way of sweeping you up.
Even the weekends, your “free time”, can start to feel like hectic energy depleting overly scheduled days.
The world often demands so much. And the more you give, the more it takes.
Before you know it, you’re living in reaction mode instead of in control of your life and your energy.
If you’re an introvert, protecting and restoring your energy is vital.
For much of my life I didn’t understand this and so I wondered why I was chronically tired, overwhelmed and depleted.
It took me a long time to realize where I was going wrong…
The Wrong Way to Fill an Introverted Schedule
I used to fill up days based on chunks of time. Weekends included.
And so if my husband said to me, can we do X, Y, and Z on Saturday, I’d look at my calendar, see that the time was free, and say sure. And then when the day came, I carried through with all the obligations I had agreed to and wondered why I was depleted for the next three days.
While I love being social, I am truly introverted (and sensitive). My cells require a lot to recharge.
Free chunks of time on the calendar can become a deceiving trap. Before you know it you’ll fill up your schedule and then wonder why your health is suffering, your energy is non-existent and you can barely pull yourself up from the couch.
If you also have energy that drains quickly, you need to protect it. You can do so by changing your mindset from time management to energy management.
Here are 5 energy management tips for introverts:
1. Limit To-Dos to Top Priority Items.
If you have limited energy, there are only so many to-do’s you can get through in one day.
My ambitions used to cause me to try to schedule an insane amount of “productivity” into my days. That meant scheduling ten or more tasks, depleting myself completely and negatively impacting my health.
To protect a limited supply of energy, it’s best to live by the 80/20 rule. 80% of what we do is complete crap, only 20% matters. Only do the 20% the matters and forget the rest.
Life will not fall apart but you will if you don’t abide.
2. Block Out Time for Recharging Your Energy.
Every day in your calendar should account for down time.
Whether that’s reading a book, taking a long bath, watching your favorite show or just relaxing and talking with your loved one, it’s schedule worthy.
I personally need an hour of down time before I go to bed. Time where I do nothing. Where the computer stays closed, the work stops, the emails don’t get looked at, I don’t answer the phone, and I can just do whatever I want. I can feel my cells finally relaxing, opening up and refueling themselves.
Without this, my sleep is restless, my next morning is cranky and the whole tone of the day gets thrown off.
Whatever it is that makes you feel relaxed, schedule it in. Let your cells replenish.
3. Never Schedule Social Activities Based on Time Availability.
This is where introverts need to be somewhat selfish. To me this doesn’t come naturally, it took me years to really understand and respect my boundaries enough to protect them.
Before becoming a mom I’d often agree to social obligations simply because the time was free on my calendar.
Time and time again I’d find myself trapped in an overly scheduled week that wore me down to my core.
I no longer look at my calendar based on its day to day availabilities. When asked to participate in social activities, even when it’s weeks in advance, I look to see how many other activities are already scheduled for that week. Just because the time is free does not mean that I am fee.
My personal limit is one social activity per week. More than that and I am wiped out. I make exceptions here and there but I know that to thrive, I can really only handle one big outing.
Know what your limits are and say no to requests that push those limits too far.
4. Plan to Sleep Abundantly.
Skimping on sleep backfires every single time.
You may convince yourself that you can get by without enough. You may tell yourself ‘just this one night I’ll stay up crazy late to get everything done’, it’s fine.
But sadly it takes you two days to recover from that decision. So ultimately you lose more than you gained.
The more well rested you are, the more efficiently you can get through your days.
Scheduling in adequate sleep may be the most important time management trick in your arsenal.
5. Schedule Complete Solitude.
I love being a mom. It’s the greatest gift life has ever given me. And I give 100% of myself to my daughter when I’m with her. But in doing so, I also deplete myself.
I’ve realized that I don’t fully recharge unless I get time completely alone all to myself. So once a week on the weekends I send my husband off for a little quality time with our peanut and I stay home, alone.
As long as I am completely alone (other than our dog of course), I can feel my energy regenerating.
If you’re a social introvert like myself, making sure to schedule in complete solitude can save you from a massive burn out.
The Truth About an Introvert’s Schedule…
As introverts we need to protect our energy, but we are not weak.
We give intensely, whether it’s at work or with family or friends.
We give deep thought and concentrated effort to our tasks.
Our friends may not see us quite as often, but the time we do give them is concentrated, not a moment wasted, not a word unheard.
Our introspective souls may deplete easily but it’s only because of the soulful intensity we bring forth in every interaction.
To protect that intensity we must accept and honor our unique needs.
We must manage our energy instead of our time.
Being sensitive can be hard.
I know so many people who describe themselves as having a sensitive soul. Most of them have spent the majority of their lives resenting this part of themselves.
They feel weak. Fragile. Misunderstood.
They often wish they could “be stronger.”
They don’t realize how much strength they already have…
The Power of Sensitivity
Being sensitive is full of strengths. And not just any strengths…
The type of strengths that have the power to change the world.
The more you recognize and embrace these strengths, the more you’ll view your sensitivity as one of your favorite parts of yourself.
Here are 12 strengths you likely possess that you should never underestimate…
Sensitivity gives you a heightened intuition. Your acutely alert cells are deeply in tune with the world around you.
You notice everything. You see the world in colors of emotion.
What your brain is unable to decide, your soul is able to feel.
Use that intuition. Let it guide every step of your life.
Don’t allow fears or insecurities to block its wisdom.
Honor it. It is one of the greatest strengths of being a sensitive soul.
When others talk, you listen.
When loved ones simply need silence, you’re there, quietly.
When they need words of comfort, you have them.
Your sensitivity leads you to give people your full presence.
You don’t check your phone, you don’t dismiss, you don’t ignore.
You’re there, fully, respectfully, generously and lovingly. Looking them in the eye.
Your presence is a gift. And it’s priceless.
Your soul runs deep.
You feel levels of emotions most run from.
You don’t cower away from pain, you couldn’t even if you tried.
You embody it. You let it run through you.
Its sharp edges, its overwhelming torrent, carving depths of wisdom within you most can’t understand.
Those depths help you see the truths of the world, the truths within people that go unnoticed by most.
You detract the meaningless and extract the profound. You find the life lessons and you live by them.
Your depth is an invaluable treasure.
Emotions transfer to you. You take them as your own.
The pain of others. The unfairness of the world. It enters and flows through you.
You don’t need to experience it directly, you just need to witness it to make it yours.
This can be hard. But it’s also empowering.
You’ll walk through fire to protect those who need it, because you know just how real their pain is.
You’ll fight for what’s right, because living with what’s wrong hurts your soul.
You’ll protect and defend with surprising fearlessness, when others who seemed so strong cower away.
And you have an understanding of fairness that most seem blind to.
Without your empathic soul, the world would suffer.
Your empathetic soul breeds compassion.
You treat others as you would like to be treated, because you know so well how it feels to experience the opposite.
You protect those who are weaker than you, because your sense of justice overrides any insecurities you may have.
Animals flock to you, because their wise sixth sense knows they can trust you.
You honor nature, because you know it’s healing powers.
It is compassion that changes the world. A heavy burden only the strongest souls can carry.
Many believe it’s a weakness to feel so much. They’re wrong.
The more emotions you feel, the stronger you become.
Those who shove their emotions aside, create a weak foundation.
Because you feel so deeply, and process so thoroughly, you have a surprising solidity.
You can handle more than most because you are used to feeling more.
Your soft exterior is an elegant touch to a fortified interior.
Your beautiful softness layered with strength creates nothing short of a masterpiece.
Your very comfort zone – a state of peace.
Where others inject chaos, turmoil, disrespect and general mayhem, you bring the peace.
Your enlightened soul demands it. When it’s not available, you suffer, because your soul knows better.
This yearning guides you. It tells you who and what to avoid. And who and what to embrace.
It tells you what you can put up with and what is intolerable.
It leads you and sets your standards.
Listen to your cravings for peace, they are the wise yearnings of an otherwise selfless soul.
You don’t give your emotions away freely. You know the consequences of that.
And so you conserve them for those you can trust. Those who can stand the test of time.
And when you find those people, you treasure them.
You stand by them, you honor them, you’re there for them when they need you.
You see the sacred union in your relationships, and so you may have fewer of them, but they run deeper than most.
Your love and friendship are a blessing.
Your body feels everything. It tells you what’s good for you and what’s not.
While others can trash their bodies and keep on moving, your body is too wise for that. It doesn’t want you to reach the point of no return.
If you listen to it, you thrive. If you ignore it, you suffer.
You can’t get away with some of the indulgences others can. Too much coffee, alcohol, etc. It breaks you down.
Listen to your body, honor its sensitive wisdom, and you will thrive.
10. Work Ethic
Your sensitive soul has fears, but hard work isn’t one of them.
You’re an asset in any task, because you do whatever it takes to hold up your end of the bargain.
You hate to disappoint and so you constantly over deliver.
You must protect yourself and not ware yourself down but you should also take pride in your dedication.
Know the value you bring. Respect your time and all that it’s worth.
You’re kind. You’re conscientious. You’re respectful.
You say “please” and “thank you.” And you mean it.
You’re not rude. You don’t degrade. You don’t belittle.
You give people the respect they need to be themselves. You bring out their authenticity.
You have a humble softness that puts people at ease. That lets them breathe.
The qualities you seek in nature – the peace, the beauty, the serenity, the respect for life – you embody.
Cherish your grace, as others undoubtedly already cherish you for it.
Sensitivity is love.
When you’re hurt emotionally, it’s because there’s been a deviation from that love.
There’s no shame in the feelings you experience because of that.
Your sensitivity is your moral compass. It breeds love and protection in the world.
Without sensitivity, what would our world look like? How harsh would it be? How empty?
Sometimes the world just gets things wrong…
Sensitivity, like vulnerability, is mislabeled by those who don’t know better as a weakness, when really it’s the opposite, it’s a strength the world needs more of.
Just because you are deeply in tuned with your emotions does not make you weak. It makes you fully alive.
Just because you experience feelings more intensely than others does not mean you’re broken. It means you’re fully awake.
Insensitivity is a curse. Sensitivity is a blessing.
Never doubt the power you have within you. Your strengths are real and they are significant.
It is strengths like these that can transform someone’s life. It is strengths like these that can change the world.
As a sensitive soul, you possess unique powers.
All you have to do is believe in them.
P.S. I am now the Soul Guide for the Highly Sensitive Soul Space in a beautiful community created by my friend, Jodi Chapman, called the Soulful Life Sanctuary. If you’re longing to relax, share openly, and experience deep connections, join me in this loving, supportive community that also acts as a virtual classroom/retreat center providing you with the tools and resources to help you live your most radiant, authentic, soulful life. Click here for more details (I am a proud affiliate for this program). <3
Life can feel like an endless sea of to-dos, responsibilities, chores, deadlines and appointments.
Sometimes it all just feels like too much. Like you just can’t keep up. Like the world is asking for too much.
You’re exhausted and you’re not getting the time your sensitive cells need to recharge.
I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately. I’m currently a full-time lawyer in New York City, the very capital of overwhelm. I have an hour and 15 minute commute every day that involves a bus, a train and a 20 minute walk (sometimes run…).
I’m a never-enough-time mama to the most magical 17 month old pixie in the galaxy who fights sleep with comet strength and stands firm in the belief that I should be her mattress. I spent the first 13 months of her life in utter chronic sleep deprivation and it still often takes me 2 hours to get her to sleep at night.
I have my darling hubby, our Chow/Shepherd rescue dog, and an abundance of friends and family who I want to nourish and cherish.
And then there’s all the cooking, juicing, cleaning, dishes, laundry, bottles, bills, mail, email, doctors, dentists, blogging, plans, decisions and general mayhem screaming for my attention. Oh my!
So yeah, I am very familiar with the ingredients that cook up overwhelm. And my sensitive cells need peace and relaxation, perhaps more than others.
But it’s also very important to me that I not embody overwhelm. I did for many years of my life, always feeling like life was running me over. That is no way to live.
I’ve learned that overwhelm is a choice. It’s a state of mind that can be adjusted.
1. The Zen in Overwhelm
I used to be an extremely stressed out person. I was constantly short of breath, I had anxiety attacks, and I knew nothing of living in the moment. I lived entirely in fear of the future and regret of the past.
And then something happened. I lost my best friend tragically. It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I was in the middle of law school and her loss brought my world to a halt. Reality as I knew it changed completely.
It took me awhile to get out of the black haze that is death. But once I did, life was different. I understood its impermanence. I felt its gift. I knew there was a better way to feel everyday, no matter what reality I was living.
From then on, life stopped running me over. And I started living in the moment.
Overwhelm happens to all of us. But you can give two different people the same exact scenarios and one will rise to the occasion and handle things with joy and the other will crumble and drag everyone down with them.
So I constantly ask myself, which person do I want to be? Sometimes I fail and fall into a pit of despair and anxiety, but I work hard to find my way back. And I surround myself with people, like my loving husband, who help me get there.
It’s up to each of us to find the zen in our overwhelm.
2. The Truth About Overwhelm
The truth about overwhelm is that much of it is self-created.
With the schedule I’ve been keeping for the past year as a mama who works full time at a demanding job, I’ve often felt I’ve earned the right to declare an unfair amount of overwhelm.
So I had to take a hard look at the chaos I was facing and admit to myself that a lot of it, I was creating. On top of my job and baby I was trying to burn the midnight oil, squeezing everything I wanted out of life into the few nighttime hours I had. And I burnt out, badly.
So I looked at all I was putting on my plate and started drastically eliminating. It’s what my current situation required.
No one can do everything and when we put that kind of pressure on ourselves every day feels like a disappointment.
If we keep our goals simple and achievable everyday can feel like a win and overwhelm won’t win the battle.
3. The Importance of Honoring Your Needs
When I was burning the midnight oil and burning out I was blatantly ignoring my body and mind’s needs.
I’m a sensitive soul with a side of fire. I’m an introvert who also loves to socialize. I’m all about fairness and self-improvement while working in the ego-filled corporate law word. I need daily emotional detoxing to rejuvinate and reenergize my cells from all this back and forth. If I don’t get it, I don’t function.
No matter what your schedule, finding time for exercise, down time, reading a book, watching a movie, doing yoga, or whatever else it is that rejuvinates you, is essential.
When I wasn’t doing this for myself, I couldn’t be the employee or mother that I wanted to me. You must take care of yourself first to do the best you can for others.
4. The Strength in Asking for Help
I would be lost without the people in my life who make up my support system. I do what I can and then I ask for help with the rest.
It is not heroic to take on all burdens. It’s not empowering to be the martyr of your own life. It takes strength and a humble sense of self to know when you just have too much.
Hire out and automate all that you can. And surround yourself with the right people and you’ll find an abundance of helping hands.
5. The Force Created by Envisioning Your Future
Doing your best to handle the overwhelm you’re facing does not mean you have to accept it forever. If things aren’t working in your current situation, change them.
Sometimes that takes patience. Sometimes it takes work. And it definitely takes a lot of vision.
Imagine your future reality. Play it out. Go deep into the specifics of it. What conversations will take place to make it happen? What are the exact words that will be spoken? What life decisions will need to be made? When will they need to be made by? What will need to be cut out of your life? What can you do right now to start down this path?
The more you envision it, the more you make it part of your reality. And so you slowly creep towards it until suddenly you’re walking in the version of reality you had been imagining.
6. The Never Ending Power of Breath
Your to-do list is overflowing. Breathe.
You’re late to pay those bills. Breathe.
Someone else wants something else from your, ASAP. Breathe.
What absolutely needs to get done, will get done. What can wait, will wait. And it will all be okay.
Breathe to remind yourself of the abundance within you. Breathe to remind yourself that you are in control. Breathe to remind yourself that you deserve to be prioritized.
7. The Lessons in Overwhelm
Overwhelm is a teacher. It shows us what we want and what we need out of life. And it shows us all the many things we can do without.
Find the lesson in everything. Learn from it. And let that lesson guide you down the right path.
It’s the people who drown in their own misery who don’t grow. Those who fight through and find the light at the end of the overwhelming tunnel are the ones who win at life.
8. The Joy in Living Fully
Life may sometimes seem like a ball of chaos, but that means you’re living it.
Life may seem like it’s getting the best of you, but know that you’re giving it your best.
Overwhelm may feel exhausting, but it is far better than idleness.
You are living. You are experiencing. You are gathering information and making powerful choices everyday about what you want for your life.
You are not sitting around doing nothing. The word “bored” isn’t even a part of your vocabulary.
You’re living, actively. You’re engaging, constantly. And you’re growing, spiritually. Every step of the overwhelming way.
9. The Power of You
No matter what overwhelm you’re facing, it is not greater than you.
You bring a life time of experiences and wisdom to everything you face. Use that experience to rise to the occasion. Challenge yourself to find the joy. Find ways to constantly nourish yourself.
If things aren’t working, envision the change. Let the lessons you’ve learned guide you to greater paths.
You are greater, stronger and more powerful than any situation you might face. But you have to believe that for it to be true.
Believe in the power of you and overwhelm will have no power over you.
I was deeply disappointed by a loved one recently. I expected them to respond to something a certain way but they had the opposite reaction. Their reaction stopped me in my tracts slapping me out of the emotional tunnel vision I had created for the situation.
I didn’t know how to respond when the words they mouthed counteracted so exactly with the words I had created for them in my anticipating mind.
And so I quickly switched topics and carried the emotional weight of my disappointment with me for the rest of the day.
I took their reaction personally. I saw it as a reflection of their love, or lack thereof, for me. I began closing doors in my mind that I had enjoyed leaving wide open.
It took me some time to uncover the truths in the situation. Not my reactive ego based truths (i.e., they don’t love me, they’re selfish, I don’t need them), the deeper ever present truths. The truths that exist in most disappointments of this nature.
Here are my findings, I hope they help you heal stronger and faster the next time you’re disappointed in such a way.
1. Each person’s individual reality crafts their words and choices, it’s not personal.
I took the words I received personally because they didn’t fit into my version of reality. My self-centric thinking blinded me from seeing all the cards on the table. I was only seeing things from my perspective, with my history, my memories, my sensitivities, my vulnerabilities, my hopes and my desires.
By expecting someone else’s response to line up with all that encompasses me, I was turning a blind eye to all that creates them. Their history, their defenses, their sensitivities, their desires. Those were the things that formed their words.
Understanding this allowed me to shift to a fuller perspective, instead of drowning in self-sorrow.
Being disappointed by others teaches valuable lessons in how to observe and respect people’s limitations, without feeling like it’s all personal.
2. People often say things they don’t mean.
With some distance, I could see that the person’s reaction I experienced was not their truth. They were simply giving a knee jerk reaction based on defenses they’ve built over time.
Defenses are walls built up to protect the vulnerabilities lying within us. Only with patience and perspective can you see beyond someone’s defenses to their truth.
Sometimes we present things in ways that hit people’s triggers. Sometimes their disappointing responses have more to do with their own internal battles than the battles we are imagining between them and us.
And sometimes people aren’t their best self, just as we aren’t always our best selves. And so instead of taking things so personally, we should be extending loving energy to them and praying for their healing, as we seek to heal ourselves.
If I had quickly written that person off due to their disappointing reaction I would have not only disrespected the history we have between us, I would have lost out on the joy they bring to my life.
Sometimes it’s not the words that are spoken, but the truths we hear with our hearts that should guide us.
3. Taking things too personally does not serve you.
As I was experiencing the hurt, I started to ask myself, how is this helping me? How is taking this so personally affecting me and is it worth it? How can I turn the tables on this to claim my power over my emotions back?
I claimed it back by forgiving them and choosing to honor their reality.
If we take one person’s words too personally, that hurt seeps into all aspects of our lives. And that one person suddenly becomes infinitely powerful, with words they probably weren’t even putting too much thought in.
If you want to take words personally, chose the words that elevate you, the compliments you’ve received, the thanks, the love. Take those words very personally.
You get to choose how much things affect you. Only you can give weight to the power of the words you hear or read. Choose those words wisely.
4. You are Whole.
There are no words on this planet that can rob your self-worth, if you truly believe yourself to be worthy.
There is no one who can dim your light, if your flame ignites from deep within.
There is no situation that can erase your loveliness, because that beauty was drawn in permanent marker, by a power much greater than ourselves.
Believe these words and you won’t lose yourself to any disappointment.
Ironically, after completely this analysis, the person who disappointed me came to me with the words I had expected them to speak. Words grounded in love. I had never shot them down for their reaction. I hadn’t cut them off or engaged in a battle. I knew there were deeper truths that would be spoken and I did the healing I needed to do so that those words would feel welcome, whenever they were ready to form.
Life and people are imperfect. We’ll get disappointed and we’ll disappoint, over and over again. It’s up to you to chose your perspective and the weight you give each disappointment over you life. Practice love and forgiveness you’ll soar lightly at the heights your beautiful soul deserves.
How do you deal with disappointment like this? As always, thanks for being here!
These are the messages quiet children hear. I received them everywhere, from teachers, friends, parents of friends, acquaintances.
The emotionally hungry, eager to understand what could make someone’s voice so internal. Eager to devour those differences and make those perceived as vulnerable operate on their terms. Terms they understand, terms they’ve deemed the norm, the ideal.
Each time I heard these messages, I resented them. I didn’t want to talk. Being asked to felt like an invasion. An invasion of my space, of my internal dialogue. A dialogue I wanted to share even less when talking was being demanded of me.
I often sat and watched while outgoing children got praised and adored for their fiery attention grabbing personalities. Personalities I envied but knew I could never possess, as my cells, at the time, rejected the mere thought of it.
One of my earliest memories as a child was of my kindergarten teacher yelling at me for not responding to her questions and then making me sit in the corner. I remember staring at her and taking her in as she looked down at me with frustration. And I remember feeling like words were not an option.
I wasn’t being defiant. I wasn’t trying to cause trouble. I was simply living my truth.
My truth at the time was internal. And it was sensitive. And intimidated. And shy. Quiet.
I carried this truth into adulthood. I changed a lot, found my voice in many ways, but the quiet side of me remained, even throughout college and law school. To all but those who knew me well.
I sat in the back. I kept my hand down. I wrote things down. And I listened.
And I learned how to hear the things that words don’t say.
The whispers spoken with our eyes or the delicate movements of fingers and corners of lips. The loudness of animated looks and exaggerated gestures. The sereneness of the humble confidence. The posturing of overcompensation. The tensions of attraction. The subtleties of suppressed annoyance. The animation of pure joy. The uneasy air of the unsettled. The truth and generosity of the truly present.
Looking back on my quiet past, my only regret is the shame I inflicted upon myself for feeling like I was too quiet. For feeling like that was a flaw.
Because it is in our quietness that we can find our deepest truths.
It’s quietness that sharpened my emotional intelligence. That deepened my ability to empathize on deep cellular levels. That taught me to create safe spaces for myself and others.
And it’s from that quietness that I now challenge myself to think on a higher level, above my circumstances and insecurities, to find the real truth in any situation, to uncover life’s emotional mysteries.
And as I grew out of my shyness, through deep rooted self-love and appreciation realignments, it is my quietness that I look back on and thank for making me who I am.
Have you ever been accused of being too quiet?
She’s so much more than I expected. She’s so much wittier, more captivating, endearing, adorable and unique than I could have ever imagined. And so whenever I’m away from her and I pause to think about all her magic, I sometimes feel like she’s a dream. Like she’s not my baby. Like this is not my life I’m living.
I got used to learning lessons from struggle. In many ways I am who I am today because I like to think about prior struggles, study them, learn from them, share them.
I haven’t really understood what I’m supposed to learn from this little being that does nothing but make my heart sing. If it doesn’t feel like a tragic struggle, what lessons will I have to share?
Of course there are struggles… sleep deprivation, what seems like an endless amount of chores, and, with balancing a full time job, overall lack of any time for myself being major ones. Did I mention sleep deprivation? I now understand why that is a torture technique…
But as far as she goes, all I can see is the beauty in her little being. The blessing.
I’ve never been so deeply in love with both the perfections and imperfections of someone before. I’ve never given my deepest levels of strength and vulnerability to anyone so simultaneously. I am mercilessly wrapped around every little part of her soul and yet she is healing and strengthening every little part of mine.
So how can this be? What do you do when life gives you way more than you ever asked for, way more than you ever thought to want? What do you learn? Do you even deserve this?
I’ve believed for so many years that we’re all here to learn hard tragic lessons about life and then heal. And that it’s through the tragedy and the healing that we elevate our souls. I spent a long time believing that life is supposed to be and always will be, hard. And sad. And lonely. And a struggle.
In the past, I never stopped to think about how life has the potential to just dump love all over you. To give so abundantly and ask for nothing back.
The other night I found an old diary from high school. I bravely opened it to read a few pages. I couldn’t believe the words on the page… the sadness and anger I used to feel towards life.
I wanted to reach through the pages and give that girl a hug. And tell her, that if you work on things, if you challenge your perspectives, if you believe in yourself and surround yourself with people who lift you up, if you own who you are and honor what you need to thrive, you can fill your life with magic.
Magic of your own making. Magic of your own definitions.
In reading those pages I realized I could view my life through that old perspective now if I chose to. I could lose myself in all the things that are so very hard and overwhelming. I could even go back to allowing things into my life that do not serve me, to perpetuate problems and patterns that harm me. And I wonder what life would look like now if I did. Would I be married to such a gentle-man? Would I love my daughter in the same way?
Being a mom is hard. Being a working mom is hard. Paying law school loans is hard. Living in New York can be hard. And so many other things. There are times when it all gets the best of me, of course.
But when I lose myself in those moments, I work hard to get myself back on track. Back to gratitude. Back to magic. Once I decided that that would be my track, I am always looking for it when it’s out of sight, always inching my way back towards it and moving things out of its way.
What I’ve been finding is that when you immerse yourself in gratitude, life gives back to you in unexpected ways. Life brings you the people, the rewards, the courtesies, the mentors, the gifts you never would have known to ask for.
My daughter’s not magical because she’s perfect. And I know our relationship won’t be perfect. But the one thing I’ll never demand from her, is perfection.
I decided that my daughter would be magical on the day she was born. And it was that decision, that commitment to that feeling, that has made every moment since feel just that way. And carrying that same sense of gratitude towards other areas of life, is creating similar results.
It’s so hard to give a gift to someone who never likes anything you get them. It’s so much more fun to buy a gift when you know it will be received with joy and appreciation and love.
I’m finding that life is just that way. When you believe in the magic of life and live in the gratitude of all the blessings around you (while also honoring and protecting your needs), life wants to give back to you, reward you with its gifts more and more.
My daughter makes every today the best day of my life.
I decided that that’s what she would do. And so it is.
What magic do you have in your life right now?
And, happy birthday, my sweet girl.
I used to get intimidated by people so easily. People I thought were bigger and better than me. I’d shake and stutter and make myself as small as possible. I’d fill my words with ‘I’m sorry’s’, having nothing in particular to apologize for. I’d hide the fierceness that has always lived within me.
Over the past few years there’s been a major shift in me. An internal shift that’s come from a ton of work on myself, from challenging the perspective I had developed over way too many years.
I’ve taken risks, I’ve taken time to be on my own and figure out who I am (and who I’m not), and I’ve challenged the rules I was taught to live my life by.
Ironically, in many ways life has come full circle. I’m back working as a lawyer and I’m living in a place I thought I had left forever, but now surprisingly enjoy.
But I’m not the same. I’ve changed. And so these old but new roles fit so differently. And I feel gratitude to the Universe for showing me this 360 degree perspective.
One major shift I’ve experienced is how I feel about the people around me. People don’t scare me anymore. People I used to view on the highest of pedestals, towering over quivering me.
I no longer quiver. They no longer tower.
If you are often intimidated by others, here are a few things I’ve learned along they way. I hope they help you see that you deserve to stand strongly amongst even your greatest idols, “superiors”, and authority figures.
1. The person you’re intimidated by is human.
Even your biggest idol, or the head of the company you answer to, or whoever it is that makes your knees shake, is still just a person. They have family issues, daddy issues, mother issues, insecurities, things they’re trying to prove, obstacles they’re trying to overcome, fears they’re dealing with, people they’re hoping to impress, bills they have to pay, and feelings their trying to protect. And they all poop in the morning, floss their teeth at night, cry when they’re alone, and do whatever else it is that makes us completely and utterly human.
They are no different from you. No better. No worse.
2. They may not be who you think they are, after all.
I had quite a few people that I idolized, that I was so intimidated to meet, and then upon meeting and interacting with them shockingly found that not only were some of them not the people I thought they were, they were sometimes even ego driven, rude and judgmental of those around them (including a famed celebrity whose name I won’t mention!). It’s all love, we all have our own demons to battle but after enough of these experiences I started to question the values I so quickly assigned to those who intimidated me.
We often idolize those in powerful positions. But power doesn’t always come with tact or with the gentleness we should all strive to treat one another with. Power is just as likely to accompany a fragile ego as is insecurity. And power fueling a fragile ego can be a particularly troublesome combination.
With enough of these experiences, I learned to change the way I judge people.
“Powerful” people are those who impact me deeply, spiritually,
lovingly, regardless of what their resumes are stacked with.
Powerful people are the people I welcome into my life, who welcome
me back, who fill me with positivity, and who teach me how to grow.
This is not to say that some of the people I idolized or admired didn’t turn out to be some of the most loving, generous and kind people I know. They absolutely did. But again, I see them now for the love they share with the world, not for merely their title or “power”.
3. Separate your own ego.
I used to think I was egoless, because I felt insecure, so where’s the ego there? But it is there. Ego is just as involved in insecurity as it is in arrogance. You’re worried about how the world is perceiving you. You’re fearing people will spot your imperfections. You’re attached to and driven by the opinions of others.
Acknowledge your ego. Know that if your response to someone is based on fear, it’s your ego talking, telling you you’re not good enough. The more aware of it you are, the more you can learn to separate from it and send it love, instead of letting it control you and your emotions.
4. Don’t posture — but do stand tall.
Never pretend to be someone you’re not in order to impress anybody. Fakeness is oddly transparent, especially on those who feel insecure to begin with.
Alway strive for authenticity.
Be who you are, the best version of who you are.
Those who don’t accept that version of you, are not meant to be in your life, no matter how special or admired they may seem to be. Wish them well and move on.
There is such beauty in the authenticity that comes from a place of humble self-love and acceptance, instead of a place of ego driven fear. Find that place and you will stand tall genuinely, instead of pretending to be someone you’re not and posturing from insecurity.
5. Understand your own worth.
To be the best version of who you are, you must first accept who you are, whole heartedly. Stop fighting against yourself. Put your inner battles to rest. Accept yourself. Accept your history. Accept the flaws you cannot change and grow in all the ways you can. Rewrite the internal story you’ve been telling about yourself into a story of triumph.
The people who intimidate you are not worth more than you. They are not better than you. They are not more deserving. They are not luckier.
We are all the same and we are all just trying to find our way
in this world and heal our souls in the process.
To do so we must look internally, with love and gratitude,
not outwardly with envy and lack.
Own who you are. Own your experiences. Own your strengths and even your weaknesses. Stand strong in all that makes you, you.
6. Approach everyone with love.
Lastly, one of the best ways I’ve learned to lose all intimidation of others is to assume that everyone I meet already loves me. And I assume that they are lovable as well. It’s amazing how quickly this technique can soften up even the harshest and scariest of people.
If you approach people assuming that they won’t like you or that they’ll hurt you in some way, chances are they won’t like you or they’ll hurt you in some way.
Our lives are the fruits of our thoughts.
Believe in the good in you. Believe that others will see it, and so they will.
Soon enough you’ll see, that there’s no reason to be so intimidated by others, you have way too much to give and you are open to all you wish to receive.
It was pouring rain a couple of Saturday mornings ago, as my husband and I packed up our car with dog and baby to head to Central Park, as we do every Saturday, come rain, shine, hail, sleet or complete lack of sleep. It’s one of our many rituals.
“I may be pushing our luck this time”, I said to my husband, J, as buckets of rain hit our windshield. But still, we kept driving. And my faith lingered…
Faith in the oddest of tiny miracles we experience time and time again on these early Saturday morning outings ~ no matter what the weather is like when we leave our house, as soon as we’re approaching the park, the skies suddenly clear up and our walks are filled with the mystical glow and intoxicating smell that only follows after the rain. That misty air I love so much, that always calms me down as it seeps into my pours.
J used to protest our park trips when we’d wake up in the morning to a water filled sky. But each time I’d say, “let’s just go anyway babe”. And he’d oblige.
He doesn’t protest anymore, he knows our miracle never lets us down.
Our walks through the park during off leash hours (before 9:00 AM), where hundreds of dogs are running around freely, are the highlight of my week. Only a hurricane would make me want to miss them.
We hold hands and talk about life and all the things we hope for. We chase our dog. We talk to strangers. We fawn over our own little Rayne drop.
We stroll, slowly, enjoying the moment, the walk, the ease of the morning. Tea in hand.
We’re not rushing off to work, juggling the baby, catching up quickly on the phone or dealing with laundry, dishes and cooking dinner. We’re just strolling, enjoying the morning, the nature, the dogs, and each other’s company.
It brings us back. Back to each other. Back to our peaceful foundation, even if we’re discussing heated topics. We’re in our world, together, rehashing and reseting, so all that’s off can run parallel again.
And as we drive back home from the park, the sheets of rain often start pouring down once again. And each time I’m in awe of the timing of it all. In awe of the magic created in the honoring of our ritual.
The reseting. And then life, as it comes pouring back in.
My husband and I have so many rituals. Rituals that developed organically. Instinctually. But I’ve noticed over time how quickly these little rituals can ground your relationship when things are feeling off. How sturdily they can forge your foundation. Even the silly ones seem to work magic.
They work so well when you honor them. We don’t skip ours in a fight. I used to, I thought that was okay. I’d be furious about something so doing our simple kiss goodnight, our long hug in the morning, or our “I love you’s” as one walks out the door would get tossed aside.
But my husband taught me a better way. He is endlessly my teacher in love.
He never skips a ritual out of spite or anger. And over the years it’s proved to be such a comfort, to know that if I mess up and piss him off, he’ll still kiss me and say I love you before walking out the door. He doesn’t punish or use his love as a weapon, as I’ve experienced in previous relationships. He doesn’t withhold his love when things get ugly. He makes it unconditional.
It’s such a blessing that I’ve learned to give him the same courtesy, despite being somewhat more emotional of a person than he is (an understatement).
And with the honoring of each little ritual, no matter what the disagreement or annoyance is, we reset.
And like clearing of the skies on the rainiest of days, it’s our commitment to our rituals that helps us clear our own inner clouds, and has us walking hand in hand once again…
Perhaps if things seem rocky at times in any of your relationships (romantic, family or friend), you can find a way to create simple rituals that ground and reset.
*I hope they bring you a little magic*
I promised to her that no matter what, I would always smile when I’m around her.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to give her everything she ever wants. I don’t know if I’ll always be who she wishes I would be. But I know that I can give her the gift of always knowing that I’m happy with her. I know that I can always choose happy, for her.
There are times when I can’t smile, when I’m cranky, stressed out, exhausted. And in those times, where I just can’t do it, I ask for help, so I can take the time I need to gather myself. I step away so that I can find the joy I want showing up for her.
This past weekend my husband and I embarked upon the most massive decluttering project known to man. We’ve been debating moving for a long time and after seeing available apartments, we decided we’d stay put for the time being. Dog, baby and us, in our one bedroom apartment. We’d rather save our money and sell our place a bit down the line, perhaps in time for baby #2, whenever that blessed event might happen.
And so we spent my birthday weekend (yup, it was my bday!), painting the living room, tearing down shelves that were built into the wall, emptying closets, cabinets and trunks and donating not only bags upon bags of clothes, but large pieces of furniture and boxes upon boxes of books as well. I even got rid of some old diaries (never thought that day would come!). And then we proceeded to rearrange our entire apartment, finding a way to give the baby her very own room.
I typically declutter by emptying a shelf or two, cleaning out a drawer or cabinet, throwing away some old clothes. Gentle decluttering, easy breezy.
The decluttering and redecorating we did this past weekend was offensive, obnoxious, physical and plain ugly (that’s our bed more or less in our kitchen at one point in the picture above). All while juggling the little one.
We were exhausted. And grumpy. Honestly, I’m still feeling the effects.
Yet throughout the weekend I was reminded of my promise to my daughter. And so I kept smiling, I kept searching for the joy, in the midst of the sweat and mess.
And in that search I found myself caught in giggle attacks that were so overpowering I could no longer lift furniture. My husband had to wait them out so productivity could begin again. Fortunately, laughing is contagious.
It’s amazing what choosing to smile can do for those on the receiving end, and even more so what it does for yourself. Things start to roll off your back faster, the small stuff seems to matter less, life simply becomes happier.
I think of my promise to my daughter every day. I work on carrying through on it for her constantly. I may not always do it perfectly, but I am always mindful of it.
And I’ve come to realize something throughout these past few months of smiling so consistently…
There is no such thing as a fake smile.
Because when you smile, even if you don’t want to, it changes you. It lights you up within, releasing chemicals in your brain, changing the vibration of your cells, emitting and cultivating joy all around you.
Suddenly the physical takes over the mental. And you realize just how much control you can have over the joy in your life.
And so for my daughter, and now for myself, I choose to smile as often possible. And when she smiles back, in fits of giggles, I know the value of my promise to her, and to myself, is priceless.
Have you ever tried smiling no matter what? Do you have someone in your life that you could make this promise to? Perhaps to yourself, as you are worth it.
My birthday lunch…
The fam, a couple of months ago, at a friend’s house…
In writing this blog I often try to find the perfect picture, which I’ll then edit just right. I look for a beautiful font, with the right colors. I work on creating the softest flow of sentences I can, with hopefully a touch of inspiration. I’ll make sure to research the ideal keywords for the best google search results. Then I’ll edit it all some more, and then some more again. Eventually I hit publish and proceed to share it on every social media network I’m a member of.
I want it all to be as perfect as I can make it. I want to know I gave it my very best. Even if it is just a silly little blog post.
And in that strive for perfection… I haven’t blogged for 4 weeks.
Life got insanely busy. Back at a law firm full time plus raising a baby and all the errands, chores, feedings, and sleepless nights that go with it, have left me… exhausted.
And so I couldn’t write, not in the Type-A can’t leave any detail behind kind of way that I like to. I’ve had zero time for perfection. And so I’ve been letting more and more things go. More and more slips through the cracks, cracks that I’ve allowed to open, so that I have more room to breathe.
And so I’ve been thinking about these little details and my obsession with them. And I’ve been asking myself tough questions like if I can’t do things the way I want, should I just not do them at all?
And I’ve started to realize that maybe one of the things that holds many of us back the most in life is our obsession with perfectionism.
We wait for the timing of things to be just right. We wait until we’re fully comfortable. We wait until all the stars align just perfectly. And in all that waiting, there is no forward motion.
I’ve been wondering how I can do it all, trying to find the secret formula to getting everything done now that I’m a mama. Being a wife, a mother, a friend, a provider, etc. Trying to do each to my best yet often feeling like I’m failing at them all, and wondering what else I need to drop from my life in order to find balance.
It took me some time to realize that perhaps what I need to drop is simply trying to get it all done perfectly.
Last Sunday I made my baby over a month’s worth of homemade organic baby food. I felt this need to go above and beyond. To make sure she’s thriving during all the hours I’m away from her when I’m at work.
And as I looked in my freezer at all the brightly colored purees I had stacked up for her I laughed at myself. Did I really need to do ALL that? Who am I trying to prove my good mama-hood to? Is it my guilt for being back at work and away from her that made me go to such lengths? All I know is that what I really needed to do on Sunday was take a nap, instead of pureeing for 4 hours…
So in the wake of all this self-realization, I am going to make an effort to not bog myself down in the paralyzing quest for perfection. A quest that exists completely in our minds. A quest that sets us up for failure before we even begin. A quest that stops us dead in our tracks.
I write this blog because I love writing, and I love helping people to feel better about themselves. I would hate to stop doing something I love just because I can’t do it exactly the way I’d want to in my ideal fantasy world.
So I’m going to try to be the best wife, mother, friend, lawyer, blogger, etc. that I can be while embracing that it’s all going to be a little rough around the edges.
And maybe what we find when we stop waiting for perfection, is that perfection already exists within our imperfectly rough edges.
Do you ever allow yourself to get bogged down in trying to achieve perfection? Does it ever stop you from even starting?
P.S. I hope this post looks okay